Vacation Traditions, Part 2

Jul14 by sudiptabq

Two weeks ago, Kami blogged about her family’s vacation traditions. Well, I just returned from my own family vacation, and thought it would be nice to share my reflections.

For some families, like Kami’s, the vacation traditions survive generations. For me, on the other hand, it’s a little bit different. Being the child of immigrants, my childhood summers were spent doing basically one thing — and my parents wouldn’t have called it vacation. No, for them, it was going home.

Aunts, uncles, parents, cousins…even a sister!

When I was younger, almost every significant school break was spent traveling back to India where my parents grew up. It was so common that I think I may have been in elementary school before I realized just what a journey the flight from JFK to Calcutta truly was! But the long flight and the inconveniences of travel faded as soon as we touched down on Indian soil. Because just as my parents were going home, for me, India became a home of sorts as well. Whenever I was there, I was surrounded — in fact, flooded! — with family. Uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents — you name it, I had a dozen. in Indian culture, we don’t hugely differentiate between first cousins and second cousins, or even between cousins and siblings. The word for older brother and older male cousin is the same — “dada” — just as the word for older sister and older female cousin (“didi“) is the same. Therefore, in India, I had family everywhere I looked.

My childhood memories of vacation are all strongly associated with layers and layers of extended family. And I always thought that that was a lovely way to grow up.

Except when it comes to my own children…well, I don’t have the same kinds of family layers to share with them. Sure, my kids spend oodles of time with my parents, and last year’s vacation was to go out to California to see their aunt and uncle (my sister and brother-in-law). But this year? It was just us at the beach.

As I was leaving, I remember thinking about how to make our solo trip about FAMILY in the same way my childhood trips had been.

I’m a silly person.

A few months ago, I took a trip to Paris with my daughters. There, I learned that getting MY way wasn’t how WE were going to have fun together. On this most recent trip, I learned something, too.

Even though it was “just us,” the trip felt as full as any of my childhood vacations (and I swear the drive was as long as the New York to Calcutta flight!). I learned that FAMILY with a capital F is not about the number of bodies you squeeze into a tiny space, but how much love you cram into it.

Here’s to great family vacations for all our readers!

Vacation Traditions

Jul3 by kamikinard

We take our beach umbrellas seriously. We buy them from life guard equipment suppliers, and we've had the oldest two for over 40 years!

We take our beach umbrellas seriously. We buy them from life guard equipment suppliers, and the oldest two have been in the family for over 40 years!

My grandfather owned a beach house in North Myrtle Beach so when I was growing up we went to the beach a lot. Like every spring break, the first two weeks of June, and several weekends during fall and winter. And the entire month of August. This worked out great for my blond-haired, blue eyed, olive-skinned siblings, but my pale freckly skin was perpetually burned and I’m sure the fallout is not going to be pretty. Still…what am I complaining about? It was a free vacation, and one that my family has become addicted to. So although granddaddy’s beach house was sold over thirty years ago, my mother and her sister are committed to sharing a beach house at least one week of every year so that their grandchildren can have the same experiences we did. Except now instead of ten of us there are twenty one which makes everything a lot louder and more complicated.

But we have our traditions and most of us really look forward to our yearly get together. Of course with twenty one people there have to be rules (right?), so this year’s beach week started with a new set of rules laid out by my mother and her sister, the grandmoms. You can see by the photo how seamlessly the rules were enacted.

And some of us have developed special skill sets for coping with the large in-house crowd. My father disappears into a book. My sister heads out to the beach during the hottest part of the day when everyone else is inside, and my aunt and cousin have picked up the habit of putting together jigsaw puzzles in the corner of the room while the extreme extroverts among us play loud games. This year’s favorite is BANG.

My daughter found the one on the left, my mother found the one on the right. I found the one in the middle. I’m afraid my reputation is about to change.

So, okay, the cramming all of us into one house can be less than 100% perfect, what makes us want to keep doing it? Well, time spent together in the sand is one reason. A lot of us (okay, mostly the males) enjoy daily games of petanque, which is similar to Bocce and played in France. We still have the set my husband bought when he was an exchange student living there. Others of us (okay, mostly the females) enjoy looking for shark’s teeth. I usually enjoy this the most of all because over the years I’ve developed a reputation as the best shark-tooth finder. Here are some that we found this year.

Grits and salmon patties with beefsteak tomatoes. A beach house favorite

The school aged kids all love swimming in the ocean despite what finding the large sharks’ teeth proves, their fearlessness amid the breakers evoking fearfulness in their parents. We usually build at least one big sand castle, play at least one after-dinner game of Spoon, and cook some of the same favorite meals.

Petanque!

Every year is the same, and every year is different. I am thankful for all of our traditions, both important and trivial. And I think, no matter what your traditions are, the simple tradition of etching out time to spend with family is one of the most important parts of growing up. Happy summer everyone!

Nerdy Chicks Go To Paris

Jun9 by sudiptabq

Last month, I took an incredible trip. To Paris.

What made it even more incredible was that my companions to the City of Light were my two daughters. The girls are 12 and 13 now, and I just knew what the trip would be…deep conversations about life and philosophy as we sat in Parisian cafes sipping coffee (or Evian, as the case might be)…long strolls along the Seine contemplating the things in life that change and the things that stand the test of time…visits to the world-class art museum of Paris absorbing culture and history…indulging in the gastronomic pleasures of the greatest city on earth. A memorable experience.

SPOILER ALERT: None of those things happened.

As it turns out, 12 and 13 year olds don’t view Paris in the same way that their 30-something mother does. This is how the trip started: after a red eye flight and two hours of recovery sleep in the hotel, we left for the Eiffel Tower tour I had pre-booked for us. We skipped right past the 2 hour line and climbed to the summit. We gazed out at the breathtaking view of the city.

And then five minutes later, the girls said, “Can we go now?”

OK, I got that. It’s not like the view was changing, right? We saw everything you could see, and it was time to move to the next thing. So I asked them what they wanted to do.

“Dunno.” Times two.

But wait! I’d specifically asked them to each look up three things they wanted to do in Paris before our trip. So I asked for their lists.

“Eiffel Tower,” said one.

The other agreed. “That was on my list, too.”

Well, what else?

“Dunno.” Times two.

I’ll admit, that’s when I lost my temper a little bit. After all, they hadn’t researched a single cafe to visit for philosophical discussions? Not a single monument to admire?

“Dunno.” Times two.

By the way, it was right around then that it started to rain. Not a heavy enough rain to send us back to the hotel, but just enough to get us wet and cranky.

There is literally no answer more frustrating as a parent and as a Nerdy Chick than “Dunno.” So I made an executive decision: we were going to the Musee D’Orsay.

I can’t tell you how the thought of that excited my girls. No, really, I can’t tell you. There are no words. Because they had no words.

We got on the train from the Champs de Mars (just soaked enough to be aggravated) and headed to the Musee D’Orsay. This involved a double decker train, which is when the girls finally showed a little excitement about the Musee D’Orsay. Though I’m pretty sure riding on the top level of the RER should not have been as exciting as seeing some Monets and Van Goghs.

When we finally got to the museum, there was no line for entry. Score! Right?

Yeah, well, there was no line because the Musee D’Orsay was closed. So, there we were, wet, tired, unable to experience the cultural depth of a Parisian Museum.

That’s when one of my daughters said, “This is great!”

Huh? “Why?” I asked, “The museum is closed!”

“Well,” she answered, “we can totally say we went to the Musee D’Orsay, and we don’t even have to go in and waste any time.”

At that point, I did exactly what I should have done from the start.

I laughed out loud. And I let go of all of MY plans for OUR trip.

They don’t know this, but right then, I felt like my entire parenting experience was being reflected in that moment. Because isn’t that what we do as parents? Make grand plans of what our lives with our children will be — then spend the rest our lives realizing those plans were all for naught?

I wanted OUR trip to go a certain way. But it was MY way I wanted. And that wasn’t fair to the other people in my OUR.

For the rest of our time in Paris, other than making the girls go to the Louvre (they had to see the Mona Lisa), we made no other specific plans. In fact, we basically just walked around the city as we pleased. And we had an amazing time. Once I let go, WE were able to make the trip a memorable experience.

We even got a rainbow over the Eiffel Tower. If that’s not the universe showing it’s approval, I don’t know what is.

At the airport coming home, I asked the girls if they would remember the trip the way I will?

“Dunno.” Times two.

What can I say? Incredible.

The Best of Bittersweet: High School Graduation

Jun3 by kamikinard

Justice

When my first child, my son Justice, was just a toddler I read an article in a parenting magazine that has stayed with me for eighteen years. I wish I had kept it, so I could share it verbatim now, but things like magazine pages are not something a person who regularly misplaces keys and glasses can keep up with. I do remember, however, that the sentence that really jumped out at me was a lot like this:

Our most important job as parents is also the one that hurts the most: raising our children to be independent enough to leave us one day.

High School Graduation represents the best of bittersweet for parents who have raised their children with philosophies similar to the one above. When they walk across the stage to accept their diplomas, our children have reached a lifelong goal. It is time for celebration!

It is also time to realize, if we haven’t already, that our children are going to keep on walking. That they will make important decisions that we don’t agree with, but have to live with. They will make decisions that alter the course of their lives without involving us at all. They will be independent adults fully able to function in society without us. Graduation symbolizes this leap to adulthood with much more poignancy than an eighteenth birthday. So though it is also a time for celebration, it is also (for most of us) a time for tears. But why? This is what we wanted, isn’t it? Yes. And no.

What got me at my son’s graduation last weekend was when the choir sang The Scientist by Coldplay. The chorus could not have been more fitting for a group of students who have grown very close, or for the parents sitting out in the audience.

Nobody said it was easy

It’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

The graduate and his sister.

I confess that my tears flowed in time with the music. I want to go back to the start! To hold my crying babies again, to a time where blowing bubbles and unwrapping presents was exciting, to playing with matchbox cars and pulling wagons. It is hard to believe that all of those tiny delightful experiences we had together amount to this wonderful horrible thing… independence.

We are so proud of our son. He has faced many challenges and overcome. And even as he makes decisions we don’t agree with, we know he’s a wonderful person.

My son just graduated from high school. HOORAY!

Somebody hand me a tissue.

Something About Mary

May27 by kamikinard

I met Mary Zisk at a SCBWI NJ conference two years ago where I critiqued her manuscript. She struck me right away as a rare breed: A writer who truly embraced criticism — a writer who wanted to hear the worst, and learn from it. I liked her right away. After that, Mary started following Nerdy Chicks Rule, and later Sudipta critiqued her work. Sudipta saw that same quality in Mary, so when we looked to expand our blog by adding a contributing author in September of 2013, we agreed that Mary would be the perfect fit. We knew she’d bring something new and different to the table, and she did!

She gave us new perspectives on Motherhood.

Mary’s mother as a baby, passing with her family through Ellis Island. From: 99 Years—A Picture of My Mother

Mary’s beautiful photography highlighted this post. From: Mother Nature: The Ultimate Nerdy Chick?

Mary shares her own motherhood journey, which included a special trip to Russia. From: Oprah, Carpe Diem, and Motherhood

Mary’s artistic eyes, brought new sight to our own.

Mary created the great drawing to prove her point! From : The His-Story of Art

Mary Cassatt, one of Mary’s inspirations. From: The Quotable Nerdy Chick: Mary Cassatt

She also shared her writing dreams!

Mary’s dream tree. From: A Winter Dream Tree Grows in Jersey

And brought us many great quotables, including Caroline Kennedy, Audrey Hepburn, and Diana Nyad.

In fact, to see all of Mary’s contributions, you can just click on her name below the title of any of her posts!

Because she has started some new writing projects, Mary is going to take a break from blogging. She hopes to rejoin Nerdy Chicks Rule when she has seen these through. Mary, we wish you all the best! We celebrate your journey with us today so our readers will know where you’re going, and have another chance to see where you’ve been. We hope you will be back soon!

Eight Things to Teach by Eighteen that They Can’t Learn from Google

Feb28 by kamikinard

My son on his 18th birthday.

Once, before I had children, I ran into a friend who’d just had her first child.

“How’s motherhood?” I asked.

She didn’t answer with the usual “Great!” or “Exhausting!” responses I expected.

Instead, she said, “I can already tell I’m going to be worried for the rest of my life.”

I’m not sure truer words have ever been spoken. My son was born about two years after this conversation. And while there have been SO many joys over the years, there have also been worries. Lots of worries. Endless worries.

This month he turned eighteen. Eighteen! Eighteen years of worrying about things I can control. And with every year that passes, more and more time spent worrying about the things I can’t. What’s a mother to do?

While the goal of every good mother is to teach her child to be independent, as that bittersweet eighteenth birthday passes, I can’t help asking myself: Have I taught him everything he needs to know to make it in the world?

I think most mothers wrestle with this question. I’ve seen other posts listing things we might forget to teach our children because we do these things without thinking, like how to mend ripped fabric or cook a meal. And yet – with the power of Google at every teen’s fingertips — I know my son can find out how to do things like sew on a button with the touch of a screen. But what things does he absolutely need to know that he can’t find on Google?

Here’s my list of 8 things to teach them before 18.

1.Empathy: Teach them to consider how others feel.

This will make them better people. They will add to their own value when they show that they value the feelings of others. There’s truth in the saying, “People don’t care what you know, until they know you care.”

2. Self-Worth: Teach them to value themselves.

Show them that what they have to offer matters to you and to the world. The best way to teach your child self-worth is for you to value you. I’m serious. Show your child that you are worthy of respect and love. You will be modeling the most important characteristic for them to develop.

3. Life is Unfair: Teach them not to expect fairness.

It would be impossible for me to calculate how many times I heard my own father tell me life’s not fair. He is a judge, so somehow, I always expected him to be on the side of fairness. Instead, he was on the side of “Deal With It.” And dealing with it, is something we have to learn to do. See number four, below.

4. Bravery: Teach them to be brave in the face of failure, because they will fail.

This, they must accept.

5. Don’t judge: Teach your children not to judge others.

They will be happier if they are not constantly measuring the value of other people. They must learn that humans come from all situations and circumstances, and that sometimes it is almost impossible for a person to make good choices. (I included this because you should try to teach it, but you will fail. Judging is part of the human condition. Still, we must try. See number four, above.)

6. Self-Advocacy: Teach your children to advocate for themselves.

When they are growing up, you are their biggest advocate, but this will change when they leave the nest. So equip them with the skills needed for self-advocacy. Teach them not to be afraid to speak out logically and reasonably to defend their rights or to ask for what they need. Self-advocacy will not always bring desired results, but that’s okay, you’ve already taught them numbers two, three and four!

7. Humor: Teach them to embrace laughter.

If your child learns to laugh, not only in happy times, but also in the face of failure, you will have taught them to find joy in unhappiness. And you will give your child a quality valued by all others. Everyone loves to laugh.

8. Faith: If you want your child to have a sense of faith, model this for him or her.

It does not matter what your religion is, if faith is something you want for your child, you must ground them in it.The world will not do this for you. Google will not do this for you.

My son is now eighteen. Do I still worry? You bet! Have I taught him all of the above? I’ve tried, but I doubt it. I’m learning, though, not to beat myself up over this. I’m going to trust that with the foundation of love and guidance we’ve given him, he’ll be okay.

For everything else, there’s Google!

2013: A Year in Review

Jan1 by sudiptabq

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope that 2014 is off to a wonderful start for each and every one of you.

As we start this new year, the Nerdy Chicks wanted to take a moment and reflect on 2013. This past year was a great year for Nerdy Chicks Rule. We covered so many topics near and dear to our hearts — and we had a lot of fun, too.

We reflected on life, on education, and on mothers.

We discussed college, art, and losing.

We interviewed women we admire. We quoted women we respect.

We blogged about gardening, gifts, and gratitude.

We covered reading, writing, and arithmetic. And a whole lot of other things that don’t fall into cutesy category headings!

Like I said, it was a great year, and these are just a few examples of the kinds of posts we featured. If you missed any, take a moment to browse through and tell us what you think.

We are really looking forward to having you all join us for this coming year. Things are only going to get better.